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I recently came back from a jog. I’m amazed to state that statement. It seems it could have been ten years since the previous time. But I recently discovered that I have elevated cholesterol, and doctors suggested to perform intense workouts regularly.

It’s the initial instance in my life that the driving force to exercise has been my health status. During earlier years, I exercised because I aimed to be thinner. At times I ran to manage my anxiety – I was merely escaping from the anxiety, instead of dealing with it. At other times, I jogged because I wanted to improve at running. It signified the meaning to me at that time to build a better life.

Exercising with new motivation at present sparked reflection about the approaches I’ve connected with my physique throughout my life and its transformation as I move from youth to middle age. I don’t think I’ve valued my body, not fundamentally. I’ve valued it solely for its capabilities and the aims it fulfilled for me: seeking approval; dodging sentiments; running a faster 5K run. Up to now, I’ve not understood that my body represents me, it embodies my life, instead of an instrument for achievements.

Much has been written for ages about the division of mind and body – a topic it’s reassuring to know, I’m not going to precis here. What I’ve found most intriguing is the Freudian perspective that mental and physical selves are naturally unified from the beginning, because bodily growth demands mental growth and the reverse is true. The infant’s physical sensations – for example the bodily feeling of hunger – propel consciousness to cultivate the skill to recognise hunger as a feeling that is alleviated by eating; and the mental reassurance and fulfillment regularly delivered by repeated nourishment feeds the young mind similar to the food fuels them bodily. Similarly emotional occurrences – like the wish to stand up and attain a goal, and the determination to attempt repeatedly – are the reason and method physical strength increases. Starting at birth, our body and mind are interlinked in reciprocal evolution as unified as a double helix.

However I have noticed, in treatment with my therapist, that mental and physical aspects might experience a distinct connection – a more separated and somewhat abusive. My mind might utilize my physique to store and display elements that my mind deems unacceptable or intolerable. During therapy it emerged how exist specific feelings that I worry I can’t handle; instead of experiencing them psychologically, I unintentionally shift them to my physical self, where they get stuck as physical symptoms.

I used to get digestive discomfort – not connected to food intake, but was a kind of physical reflux of the sharper sentiments I failed to handle in my mind. This was not a conscious choice, but when it was brought into my consciousness by my analyst, and my fear and insecurity and frustration and panic became palpable and put into words instead of changed into physical sensation, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me from indigestion currently.

The most severe episode I experienced this terrible acid reflux, I didn’t sleep for several nights in a row. I believed I was forfeiting my mental stability. I went my doctor, who arranged all sorts of examinations and assessments, but no issues were found corporally problematic. It was another doctor who told me that the origin could be emotional. My therapist agreed. I was surprised, but I also knew it was correct.

If an individual experiences a corporeal problem, they might feel insulted at the suggestion that it may have a mental root. They might feel like disrespect, hearing that their illness is fabricated. And of course that does happen – some face their pain ignored or misdiagnosed. Yet occasionally it’s possible that the corporeal issues exist – no question – and the source is psychological, the subconscious employing the body to manifest some pain or anger or whichever sentiment the mind cannot tolerate. At times, it’s easy to think our experience only has value when it is expressed in physical form. We often undervalue our minds as individuals, as a society and as a culture; for what reason can we allow the shocking reduction of psychodynamic psychotherapy on the NHS?

My experiences have shown me that a better life cannot be created when we are stuck unconsciously in modes of connection, within ourselves and in relationships, that are rooted in devaluation, manipulation and transaction. These interactions are often easier to spot “externally” in broader culture. It’s likely more challenging to consider how they got out there, and to see these forms personally and among loved ones, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

Yet persistence pays off. Upon wearing my running shoes back on after such a long decade, heading out not for physical improvement, or to eliminate an emotion, or to improve a running record, {it